The Subtle Voice of Self Esteem

Self-esteem is a deep belief system that provides a stable foundation for life. Self-esteem says:

• “I am a good person.”
• “I am loved.”
• “Who I am is good, and I like me.”
• “No matter how bad I mess up I am still okay.”
• “If I get a bad grade I can handle it and do better next time.”
• “If someone is mad at me or rejects me I can still feel good about myself.”

When someone has established and built up self-esteem it becomes a foundation to handle all bad things in life. If the foundation is built solid, then a person can make mistakes and they are still okay. A person can mess up, hurt someone, or handle someone being angry at them, because at the end of the day they can handle doses of guilt and remorse because they know that they are still good, loved, and valuable at their foundation.

Self-esteem provides an internal belief system that is able to say:

• “Even though my mom is angry at me right now, I know she loves me. I know who I am is valued and cared for so I will do better next time and we will be okay.”
• “I just made a mistake, everyone messes up sometimes, and I’ll do better next time.”
• “I hurt them, and I’m sad about that, but I didn’t mean to and I’m only human. I will apologize, make it up to them, and do better next time. I’m not a bad person I just did a bad thing.”

When someone lacks self-esteem, there’s no foundation built. Instead, there’s a deep dark hole at their core filled with depression and self-hatred. When this dark hole is present in a person they become unable to handle the following:

• Consequences
• Anger directed towards them
• Rejections
• Failure of any kind
• Alone time
• Abandonment
• Punishment

All of these become triggers that will send them spiraling into the dark hole of pain and self-hatred. When that dark pit is triggered, the child beats themselves up with their thoughts, their thoughts go on and on about how much of a failure they are, how hated they are, and it can often turn into:

• “Nobody likes you.”
• “Everyone is better off without you.”
• “You are such a negative burden to everyone around you.”

These negative thoughts and beliefs are painful and often result in self-harm. Because the dark pit inside is often so difficult to deal with, people often go to great lengths to escape the pain. Many become angry and defensive towards others, are oftentimes unable to own up to mistakes or failures, or become anxiously driven to perfectionism.

These fake defenses eventually fail and without the self-esteem to hold them up they plummet into depression. They think, “I was fighting so hard to fool everyone that I am good, but I failed and they see me for who I really am. All I am is a failure, a mess up, a burden. All I do is hurt people and make them disappointed. I hate myself.”

Self Esteem and Gender Identity

Gender Dysphoria (the distress someone feels about their biological sex) can damage self esteem. A person’s physical body is a key part of their identity. When a person feels strong dislike towards their physical body it’s hard to have confident self esteem.

So what do we do?

How do we stop the painful spiral of self-hatred and build self-esteem instead?

4 Things for Parents:

1. Protect from these triggers as much as possible. Watch out for these triggers, and when they can’t be avoided come alongside your child and help them with healthy coping skills.

2. Build up self-esteem with love and attachment. Find out what their love language is and shower them until they start internalizing that love.

3. Understand that they have an extremely negative voice in their head that’s beating them up ALL the time. They do not need that voice to be reinforced. Instead they need a new voice. A voice of empathy that says things like, “Yes, you messed up and there are consequences, but that doesn’t mean you are a mess up. You are a wonderful, amazing person who is loved and will learn from this and do better next time.”

4. Schedule them a therapy session. Research is clear that therapy builds self-esteem in children. Call us today 602-357-8906 or book a session online right now.